Opposites Attract

Me: Am I allowed to tell the blogging world that you were a pot head?
Dan: No. Well, I guess. But you can word it better than that. Tell them I made some unfortunate decisions in my youth. If you put "pot head," I will tell the world that you used to draw your feelings and weren't allowed to watch TV.

Blogging world already knows that Husband. Ha!

So, Dan and I were total opposites in high school. He was someone who "made some unfortunate decisions in his youth." I lived in a naive world where I firmly believed that no one in our school did drugs. Except that one rich kid who had too much free time and had sex with his girlfriend everywhere on campus. And the football team did steroids, but we lived in Scottsdale so everyone knows that doesn't really count.

Anyway, as we were headed to a birthday party this weekend, (not as popular as we sound. It was for a 3-year-old) we had a discussion that we would have never spoken in high school. Or college for that matter. I was too goody-two-shoes and he was too busy trying to be invisible. If I had met him before I did, he probably would have been invisible to me. I chose to date the guys I was best friends with or the bad boys. (Inward groan for my own unfortunate decisions.)
My friends and I went swing dancing on Tuesdays. We played pool on Friday nights at my house. We played games that didn't involve drinking and never went skinny dipping. We were wholesome, which sounds like a bad word now that I type it.

Lucky for us, Dan and I started dating after his pot head days. And he's actually lucky I didn't know he was a pot head when we first met, because there would have been no way I would have gone out with him. Or tried to set him up with Elinor...which is what I did first...

I was just now sitting here typing and trying to think of a way to finish this blog.

Me: I've known you for...47 months.
Dan: Yes.
Me: We shouldn't have gotten married so fast! We barely knew each other!
Dan: Yes. You are lucky I didn't turn out to be a serial killer. I could have hurt you and buried you in the basement. Which would have been impressive, considering we don't have a basement.
Me: Yes, Dear.
Dan: Don't "Dear" me! I'll punch you in the face. Give you a black eye.
Me: *typing all this down for the blogging world to read, as evidence in case I mysteriously disappear someday*
Dan: Don't type that. People don't think spousal abuse jokes are funny. They wouldn't get our sense of humor.

Blog post - reminiscing moment? Check. Conversations with Dan? Check. Reference to how lame I am? Check. Domestic violence joke? Check.

Made in 1982

OK, you know I'm a good friend when I alter my blog for you. Cory, anonymous users can now post comments. If I get weird comments from perverts, I will assume they are from you.

Back to the real post. I couldn't think of a single thing to blog about so I asked Dan for inspiration...

Me: I can't think of a new post. We don't do anything exciting.
Dan: You got mugged by a freaking pregnant woman! What do you mean we don't do anything exciting?
Me: I already blogged about that. Besides *WE* didn't get mugged. *I* got mugged.
Dan: Yeah, but who did you call?
Me: ...Ghostbusters?
Dan: na na na na na na When there's something strange, in the neighborhood...
Me: Hey, I need a topic!
Dan: Can't think of one. Oh, by the way, I was reading that blog on your blog roll, All Things Cupcake today. I check it every once in awhile.
Me: *smirk*
Dan: What?
Me: Nothing, go on. You read the cupcake blog.
Dan: Right, I was reading it and it had a $900 cupcake chair and a link to the company that makes them. There was some really cool stuff! Like a Lite Brite table where you can move the pegs. And a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot table!
Me: Wow, you are a dork.
Dan: Go look at the website.
Me: *sigh* Fine.
...
Me: Holy crap they have gummi bear lights. I want them! And a button candy bench!?! Mine!

So, all you children of the 80's, go to this site. You will not be disappointed.

Wow, that was a long blog for just one link. Sorry, no refunds for the time spent reading this post.

Chance Encounters

I had to stop at Babies R Us today to purchase a gift for Dan's sister. While there, I happened to bump into an ex-boyfriend. Same guy who did illegal things to me/my stuff and required a restraining order. "Awkward" doesn't even describe it. He had the nerve to treat me like *I* was the psychopath ex!
Looking very nervous, he introduced me to the girl he was with, who was obviously very pregnant. Didn't specify her relationship to him though, which struck me as odd. She asked us how we knew each other and after a slight pause and no help from him, I replied "oh, we went to NAU together." This satisfied her and I took the next pause in conversation to wish them both good luck and scurried towards the baby clothes.
Of course, I then came home and complained to Dan that my crazy ex thinks I'm the crazy one and looked afraid of me.

Me: "Then she asked us where we knew each other from and I didn't want to tell her the truth. I just said we went to NAU together."
Dan: "You should have started off the conversation with '[ex's name] I think this violates the restraining order against you. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to step back 100 feet."
Me: "The restraining order was only for 60 days."
Dan: "So? He'd have to say 'that was only good for 60 days.' Either way, he has some explaining to do after that."

Leave it to my husband to find the humor in my past stalker.

Conversations with Dan

Dan is Finding Nemo, originally uploaded by Klick Here.

On the Lotto:
D: We won 5 dollars!
Me: How much did you pay for the ticket?
D: ...10 dollars.
Me: I don't think you understand how the lottery thing works.
D: That's it. I'm not buying you anything pretty with my winnings.

Love Notes:
S - You are a nut. That is all.
Love, D.
P.S. Where are we going for dinner?

On Pop Culture:
D: I know this is going to sound strange, but can you get on Ticketmaster at 10am sharp and try to get a pair of tickets for the Hannah Montana concert?
Me: ...I don't know what to say to that.
D: Remember the news report from last night? Tickets on Ebay are going for thousands of dollars!
Me: You'd want to rip off little kids?
D: It would be a life lesson. Don't listen to Disney pop music or you'll be poor.

On Baby Names:
Me: If we ever have twin girls, we should name the second one McKenzie Anne Klick.
D: "The second one?" What would the first girl's name be?
Me: Pomegranate. Her middle name too. Pomegranate Pomegranate Klick. Rolls right off the tongue.
D: Yeah, right off the tongue and into a strip club.

I Married a Weirdo

Me: Can I bid on rubber stamps on Ebay?
Dan: Have I ever said no to you?
Me: Yes, loads of times. What about when I asked you if you'd buy me a trained snowy white owl like Harry Potter's?
Dan: I only say no to unimportant things.
---
Me: What are you making me for dessert?
Dan: Nothing.
Me: No seriously. I need something for dessert.
Dan: Here. Have a box of brownie mix.
Me: Will you make the brownies?
Dan: From a box mix?! No. I only make brownies from scratch.
Me: Fine, I'll make my own brownies. I'll make mint chocolate ones.
Dan: Gross. Mint and chocolate together is gross.
---
Me: I'm updating the blog with conversations. Remember when the other day I told you our marraige was a sham? What were we talking about?
Dan: I don't remember.
Me: Hmmm...I guess I do say that a lot.
Dan: Yeah.
---
Me: Remember when you threatened to punch me in the face? What was that for?
Dan: I dunno. I say that a lot too.
Me: *begins typing*
Dan: Hey! Don't put that in the blog!!

(For the record, he does say it a lot. But we are in a non-violent relationship. As long as you don't count the time where he accidentally bashed his head into my face and gave me a bloody nose. But I promised him I'd never mention that to anyone so, shhh Sara. No more speaking.)

Flypaper for Freaks

Chocolate Chip Cookie, originally uploaded by Klick Here.

Dan and I went to Sweet Tomatoes for dinner last night. As we sat down, an elderly lady came up to our table and put one of those "Be Ripe Back" and "Until Next Thyme" cards on our table. She said it was in case we wanted to get up and get more food. I thanked her, as polite as always, while Dan gave her a wavering look and pondered if she was senile.

Me: She must not have had one at her table and took it off our empty one. It was nice of her to bring it back for us to use.
Dan: Yup. Or maybe these things happen just because I'm with you.
Me: What's that supposed to mean?
Dan: Weird stuff happens to you all the time.
Me: That's not true! Name one weird thing that happened to me in the last 24 hours!
Dan: It's a good thing you added the 24 hours disclaimer.
Me: OK, fine. Name something weird that's happened to me in the past week!
Dan: The woman at the bookstore.
Me: That was 8 days ago. So there.

Dan kinda shook his head at me and laughed it off. We continued to eat our salad in relative peace. Finally, we had both finished the salads and I wanted a cup of chili. Dan grabbed some pasta and immediately went back to the table. I stood in line, waiting for cornbread. Which I never got. Fie on you Sweet Tomatoes.
As I was giving up on the cornbread, Dan came up to me and asked if I got chocolate chip cookies.

Me: Chocolate chip cookies?
Dan: Yes. Did you take chocolate chip cookies over to the table?
Me: No...I've been here the whole time. Why?
Dan: You'll see.

I returned to the table to find two small chocolate chip cookies on my napkin. When I asked Dan where they came from, he shrugged. We looked around, and saw that the crazy lady who gave us back the card had a bag of them in front of her.

Me: That was nice of them.
Dan: They're probably poisoned.
Me: No, they probably realized they couldn't eat a dozen between the two of them and decided to share.
Dan: Why give you two of them and none to me?
Me: They probably expect me to give you one.
Dan: Or maybe you just attract crazy people to you and I repel them away.

I bit into a cookie as Dan freaked out that I was going to die from arcenic. When a smile hit my lips from the yumminess that is fresh baked cookies, Dan relented and ate the second one.

Me: Aren't you glad I shared?
Dan: I don't understand why these things happen to you. From now on, I'm going to bring a camera with me everywhere so I can document all the weirdos you attract.
Me: OK, first off - you'd have to be in the womens' bathroom because that where the weirdos seem to always want to touch my hair. And secondly, I married you, so what does that say about your weirdness level.
Dan: I am king of the weirdos.

Why I Don't Accept Unsolicited Advice

Nursery Bedding, originally uploaded by Klick Here.

I went to the bookstore last week to pick up a new book. (Versus buying one I already own of course.) While I was there, I picked up a magazine that had been left lying on a table just so I could look at the picture of the world's cutest child, who was poised on the front cover with a sun hat on. A pregnant woman shuffled over to me. That sounded rude... A pregnant woman waddled over to me. (There, much better.) She excitedly asked me "do you have kids?"
Alarmed by the fact that a stranger was talking to me, all I could do was shake my head no. She continued her animated one-sided conversation about how she's expecting her first and she's already on maternity leave even though she's not due for 3 more months and how her husband is in the middle of preparing the nursery and how it's a darling shade of pastel blue with crisp spring green accents and tiny frog details. She then turns back to me, as if suddenly realizing that I have been giving her a skeptical look this entire time because I am not entirely sure that she isn't about to pull out a baby bottle from her ginormous purse and beat me over the head with it. "Have you picked out your future nursey design?"
Kepp in mind, I never once said I wanted to have kids.
"Um...no. I figured I'd wait until I was pregnant before I started preparing for a baby..."
She looked at me as though I just announced that I don't give birth to my young, I eat them with tarter sauce.
"You HAVE to pick out your nursery theme now! It will give you good vibes when you and your husband are trying. And it's like mental baby dust."
"Baby dust?"
"Good luck dust, like pixie dust, but aimed for your womb."
WHOA WHOA WHOA! Stranger discussing my womb! I don't even discuss my womb!
"Uh...well, we're not really trying yet...we'd kinda like to..."
She waved her hand at me as though my ramblings were not important in the grander scheme of things. "You should really start preparing. At least pick a few designers you like." She then mentioned a few different baby bedding designers, all of which had cutsey names like "Annie Gracie Lacey Designs" or "Bumble Butt Bedding." Then, with one hand on my shoulder, she told me that it was SO nice to meet me and that she wished us the best of luck and a sprinkle of baby dust.
When Dan and I start trying for kids, if I blow glitter in his face it'll be symbolic of baby dust, not a general mood killer as he tries to wipe blinding glitter out of his eyeballs.

I Heart Presents

valentines_treats, originally uploaded by Klick Here.

Valentine's Day is next month. Because I love online shopping, I have been on a hunt for a great gift for Dan. We had agreed not to exchange gifts, and then he told me that he had already purchased a gift before we made the agreement. Thus, voiding our verbal contract. I should sue.
So I began my hunt last night. I am pretty proud of my ability to find The Perfect Gift for someone within 24 hours of beginning my search. My husband's gifts always seem to thwart me though. I was super proud of my Christmas gift ideas, but those took me months to figure out. And Valentine's Day, well, I'm starting with less than a month til the holiday. This does not seem like it will have a happy ending.
He called me just a few minutes ago...

Dan: I thought of two great gift ideas for Valentine's Day that you could get me!
Me: OK. What are they?
Dan: They just re-released Final Fantasy 2&3 for the Sony PSP.
Me: ...I don't think you understand the meaning of the term "great idea."
Dan: But those are games I would never go out and buy myself!
Me: *sigh* OK, what's the 2nd great idea?
Dan: Those were both of them.
Me: You can't count two games in the same series and two different gift ideas. That's cheating.

So, I'm kinda back to square one. I bought him the PSP as his Christmas gift and I don't want to buy him additional games as a Valentine's Day gift. How romantic would those be anyway? Here sweetie, have some more items to help encourage your addiction to video games. Please, ignore me and any homework you may have and instead, pretend to be a large sword-weilding superhero who saves bikini-wearing princesses from frog mutants. Kissy kissy!

Resolution Update 2

MonsterLoCarbCan, originally uploaded by Klick Here.

I had this today. I am ashamed, but it was needed. Dan's snoring was so bad last night that the kitties were meowling along. ("Meowling" is a mix of meowing and howling. Our cats can't seem to meow normally.)
Anyway, in order to function, I needed this! Although it's nice to know that my coworkers are concerned...

Erica: I thought your resolution was to not drink those.
Me: Shhhh...no more talking.

Candace: Caffeine huh?
Me: Yeah, I could barely keep my eyes open. I was craving it.
Candace: OK. I won't tell Dan.

Dear hubby will never know that my New Years resolution was broken only 12 days after making it. Because his resolution should have been to read and comment on "our" blog at least once a week, and we know that it'll never happen.

Apparently, I'm Just a Ruse

Two Days Ago-
Sara: Will you update our blog for me? I'm too lazy to turn on my computer.
Dan: OK. What do you want to say?
Sara: Start with you saying "let's get gushers."
Dan: No.
Sara: What? Why not?
Dan: Because I know how that conversation ends. As long as I don't post it, it'll never get up on the blog.

Huh. We'll see about that...

Last week, while at the grocery store-
Dan: Ooh, let's get Gushers!
Sara: Oh gross.
Dan: "Gross?"
Sara: Yeah, they squirt the juice stuff into your mouth when you bite into them.
Dan: I like stuff squirting into my mouth.
Sara: ...
Dan: Crap...please don't post that on the blog.

Love Him

Sara: Dan!
Dan: No.
Sara: You don't even know what I was going to say!
Dan: OK, fair enough. What were you going to say?
Sara: Can I order lobsters at Red Lobster and then take them home as pets?
Dan: Original answer stands.

Dan: This song doesn't make sense.
Sara: What doesn't make sense?
Dan: "Been to the year 3000. Not much has changed but they live underwater. And you great-great-great granddaughter is doing fine." It would be more than great-great-great granddaughter. Because even if all of them lived to be 100, it wouldn't be more than 500 years in total. Argue that.
Sara: So you're saying that there's no possible way for there to be medical and technological advances in the next century that would extend the lifespan of human beings? Or take into consideration how many people have artificial organs and body parts nowadays. By then, it would be that we are 99% artificial and can live to be 500.
Dan: No.
Sara: That's it? "No" is your rebuttal?
Dan: Yes, "no" is my rebuttal.
Sara: You have to have something more eloquent to say.
Dan: Ok. You're a turd.

Sara: We have an awful lot of silly conversations.
Dan: *pouts*
Sara: OK, we'd have a lot of silly conversations if you actually said something.
Dan: You're a turd.
Sara: Way to prove my point babe.

Sara: It's our one year anniversary from the day we left for our honeymoon. We should go back to Disneyworld to celebrate. And so I can take better pictures with my new camera.
Dan: We are not going to Disneyworld.
Sara: That's what you'd say if it was a surprise trip!
Dan: We are really not going to Disneyworld. Surprise trip or not.
Sara: Also what you'd say if it was a surprise trip!!
Dan: Please, PLEASE go to sleep now....why are you wiggling?
Sara: I'm excited for my surprise trip to Disneyworld.
Dan: You're lucky you're cute.

Sheep: The Next Steven King Bestseller

"You're wearing your glasses again! I like them!"
"Thanks, but I prefer my contacts. I couldn't sleep last night. So when I tried to touch my contacts to my eyeballs, they rebelled and turned red."
"Why couldn't you sleep?"
"Dan woke me up because I turned over funny or something like that. Then I was ticked because I was awake. And then he told me he was going to play on his computer. So then when I muttered "fine, goodnight" at him and tried to go back to sleep, he said he wasn't going. Then I was even more ticked because he was making me feel guilty for trying to fall asleep when he was awake. So I basically turned my back to him and pretended to snore. But by that time I wasn't all that sleepy so I stared at the ceiling and counted penguins for awhile. Didn't help."
"Counted penguins?'
"Yeah. Sheep kinda freak me out."
"Are you scared of f***ing everything?!"

Overheard at the Grocery Store

"Mom, can I go trick and treating this year?"
"It's trick or treating darling."
"OK. Can I go trick or treating this year?"
"Yes. But be sure that you do not accept any fruit. Remember last year."

...what? What happened last year involving fruit? I'VE GOT TO KNOW!

He Knows Me So Well

Dan: I had a piece of cake today.
Me: For lunch?
Dan: No, someone quit. It's her last day so we had cake.
Me: Oh, good. Cake is not a healthy lunch.
Dan: Maybe I'll go have another piece.
Me: No, you should eat lunch first.
Dan: You can't say no to me-you're not here to stop me.
Me: I'll be very sad if I find out that you had another piece.
Dan: You can't be sad if you don't know. I just won't tell you that I had another piece.
Me: But what about when I ask you directly? Are you going to lie to me?
Dan: No, I just won't answer. I'll ignore you or change the subject.
Me: But then I'd know what the answer was.
Dan: Maybe I'll distract you by offering you another kitten.

If I Were Britney's Friend

Yes, I am a day late with this post about Britney Spears. Don't care-"I do what I want!"
I'm sure you all know what kind of performance she gave. This is how I imagine a conversation would go between us, had I been there immediately after the show.

Me: Wow Britt...that was quite a show. I love the new song by the way!

Britney: This totally suxs ya'll. Can I have a margarita?

Me: You probably shouldn't drink immediately after dancing up a sweat. Here, have some water.

Britney: Where are my kids?

Me: With K-Fed, the same place they have been for the past 3 days. Listen Britney, focus now, ok?

Britney: I like this bra. Can I keep it?

Me: We'll see. Seriously, focus for a moment. You need to reevaluate your life right now. You are a great performer and after seeing tonight's performance, it doesn't look like your heart is in it anymore.

Britney: Do the panties come with the bra? I totally like the bra ya'll.

Me: Britney, you are a young woman who was forced to grow up very quickly. You lived your life in the public eye and I think it's getting to you. You need to take a few moments to actually sit back and think if this is the life you really want. Your family is estranged from you, your ex-husband fears for your kids' safety when they are with you, and all of the media thinks you have had a nervous breakdown. I am your friend Britt and I really think that you need to decide if show business is right for you. It's all you know, but that doesn't mean that it's all you'll ever know. You have the potential to do great things and it's sad to see you in such a downward spiral.

Britney: My coochie needs to be shaved before I go to the clubs. Can you find one of them cute guy dancers for me?

Me: ...I think I'm going to go buy a Team K-Fed shirt.

I Do Not Claim Them

My family is loveable. If you're one of us. If you are an outsider/innocent bystander, you will think we are weird. I pity Dan, since he willingly married into the family.

My parents celebrated their 31st wedding anniversary on Sunday. Actual phone conversation between my mother and I regarding the festivities:

Mom: I've been awake since 5.
Me: Why? It's Sunday.
Mom: We gathered all the picture frames in the house so we can give some away, change some of the pictures and dust them all of course.
Me: Okay...
Mom: Guess how many we have.
Me: Um, 150?
Mom: How many does Dan guess?
Me: I dunno, hang on. (I proceed to ask Dan, who gives me a funny look since he is playing his game and was obviously rudely interrupted.) He says 80.
Mom: 320
Me: You're joking.
Mom: Nope, 320. I counted.
Me: I think I'm impressed.
Mom: Your father just asked me why on Earth I counted.
Me: Yeah, especially since it's your anniversary. Is this how you guys celebrate? You need a new hobby.
Mom: Well, technically we had pie.

My friends are so nice to me

Jason: You have a blog now?
Me: Yup. I update occasionally on the all-important events of my life.
Jason: What did you last blog about?
Me: Um...I don't remember. I think it was about Moo cards.
Jason: Moo cards?
Me: Oh my gosh they are so cool they are these little cards that you can choose 100 pictures to be printed on the backs of them not all 100 pictures on the back of each of course but rather one picture on the back of each of 100 cards and then you can use them for various things I'm thinking of using them for Christmas gift tags and...
Jason: Whoa whoa whoa. Stop. Breathe. You just said "Christmas."
Me: Yes. Yes I did.
Jason: It's July.
Me: Christmas in July. Duh.
Jason: I can't believe you conned someone into marrying you.

Me: You should start a blog.
Alex: Why? I don't do anything exciting.
Me: Neither do I. But I started a blog for Dan and myself.
Alex: I know. I read it.
Me: You read my blog? Why the heck don't you comment on it? I was considering stopping. I can't get anyone to start a blog so I can link them to mine.
Alex: No, you just can't get anyone to admit they're friends with you.

Me: I think I am going to give up my blog and just continue on MySpace.
Dan: Why?
Me: Only a couple of people read it and I can't get any of our friends to start one.
Dan: I read it.
Me: I know, but you're the one I blog about most so you already know what happens.
Dan: But I still like to read it.
Me: Why? Are you saying that our conversations are so boring, you forget them and prefer to read the recaps?
Dan: No, I'm saying they're funny.
Me: Thank you. But you could update the blog too, you know.
Dan: Blogs are for dorks.

Conversations with Dan

Dan: Have you updated our blog today?
Me: No. Why don't you do it?
Dan: Cuz it's your blog.
Me: It's not my blog. It's OUR blog.
Dan: The same way it's MY Myspace page?

Dan: I like this song. *begins singing along*
Me: This is rap. You're white. I don't think you're allowed to rap in Mesa if you're white.
Dan: I'm hard core ghetto. *begins making gang hand signals*
Me: We're going to get shot.
Dan: ...wait...this is the Vulcan sign. That's not ghetto...