Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Why I Don't Accept Unsolicited Advice

Nursery Bedding, originally uploaded by Klick Here.

I went to the bookstore last week to pick up a new book. (Versus buying one I already own of course.) While I was there, I picked up a magazine that had been left lying on a table just so I could look at the picture of the world's cutest child, who was poised on the front cover with a sun hat on. A pregnant woman shuffled over to me. That sounded rude... A pregnant woman waddled over to me. (There, much better.) She excitedly asked me "do you have kids?"
Alarmed by the fact that a stranger was talking to me, all I could do was shake my head no. She continued her animated one-sided conversation about how she's expecting her first and she's already on maternity leave even though she's not due for 3 more months and how her husband is in the middle of preparing the nursery and how it's a darling shade of pastel blue with crisp spring green accents and tiny frog details. She then turns back to me, as if suddenly realizing that I have been giving her a skeptical look this entire time because I am not entirely sure that she isn't about to pull out a baby bottle from her ginormous purse and beat me over the head with it. "Have you picked out your future nursey design?"
Kepp in mind, I never once said I wanted to have kids.
"Um...no. I figured I'd wait until I was pregnant before I started preparing for a baby..."
She looked at me as though I just announced that I don't give birth to my young, I eat them with tarter sauce.
"You HAVE to pick out your nursery theme now! It will give you good vibes when you and your husband are trying. And it's like mental baby dust."
"Baby dust?"
"Good luck dust, like pixie dust, but aimed for your womb."
WHOA WHOA WHOA! Stranger discussing my womb! I don't even discuss my womb!
"Uh...well, we're not really trying yet...we'd kinda like to..."
She waved her hand at me as though my ramblings were not important in the grander scheme of things. "You should really start preparing. At least pick a few designers you like." She then mentioned a few different baby bedding designers, all of which had cutsey names like "Annie Gracie Lacey Designs" or "Bumble Butt Bedding." Then, with one hand on my shoulder, she told me that it was SO nice to meet me and that she wished us the best of luck and a sprinkle of baby dust.
When Dan and I start trying for kids, if I blow glitter in his face it'll be symbolic of baby dust, not a general mood killer as he tries to wipe blinding glitter out of his eyeballs.