Husband has Finally Learned

Dan: Gah! This was the worst chocolate chip cookie ever!
Me: That's a scone you dork. You're supposed to warm it up and eat it with butter or preserves.
Dan: Well I ate the entire thing before you told me this, so I still think of it as the worst chocolate chip cookie ever.
Me: You're lucky you're cute.
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Me: *typing this blog*
Dan: *looks over* You're typing about the scone? You suck.
Me: There was something else you said today that made me laugh. What was it?
Dan: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, 'cuz I'm gonna tell you. Like I'm going to ever talk to you again. Turd.
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Me: At the shower, someone asked me if you cooked. I told them you had to, because I don't and otherwise we'd eat out every night.
Dan: You cook!
Me: No I don't.
Dan: You made the lasagna for everyone.
Me: That was your birthday and a special occasion. Name one thing I've made since then.
Dan: ...drawing a blank. Maybe I'm doing you a disservice.
Me: How so?
Dan: You're a wife. Wives are supposed to cook and clean and bring me beers when I'm watching football.
Me: Well if you're going to play the sexist card, you're a husband. You should do the yardwork and take out the trash.
Dan: I do the yardwork! I "do" it by writing a check to a landscaper so he comes by and mows the grass. Now bring me a beer.
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Me: Did you see Tartraz's post about her new office?
Dan: Yup.
Me: Isn't it cute?!
Dan: No, because if I say yes, you're going to want to redecorate.
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Dan: In my Sims game, you take a helicopter to work. That's so fitting.
Me: What do you mean?
Dan: You're high maintenance.
Me: I'm not high maintenance! You're high maintenance!
Dan: I'm gonna high maintenance your face.
Dan: ...Don't put that in the blog.
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Me: Can I buy some refills for our air freshener?
Dan: No. You'll pick dumb scents.
Me: Ok. Can I buy a new belt? My pants are too big and they keep falling down.
Dan: No, because when I agree, you'll say "instead of spending money on a belt, I'm going to buy air freshener refills."
Me: I need a new husband. Mine's wise to all my tricks.