Conversations with Mom

Mom: I hate bumper stickers.
Me: Why?
Mom: They're stupid. "Be nice to your children. They pick your retirement home." That's just stupid.
Me: That one's kinda true.
Mom: You'd put me in a home?
Me: You'd get free cable.
Mom: So do prisoners. You want me to live like a prisoner?
Me: Wouldn't you feel the same way if you were forced to stay in your own home by yourself? At least at a home you could make friends.
Mom: Would your father be there?
Me: Mom, Dad is getting so forgetful he practically has one foot in a home as it is.
Mom: Which foot?
Me: *silence*
Mom: Hello? I asked "which foot?"
Me: I heard you. But I don't get it.
Mom: Is it his left or right?
Me: Um...his left?
Mom: Then it's just not right.
Me: You know, I get my sense of humor from you and I get yelled at for my stupid jokes.
Mom: Does this mean I'm going to live in an awful retirement home?
Me: No, it means you're living with Amy.
Mom: Dammit.

Mom: What are you doing?
Me: Debating making myself a PB&J sandwich or just having What Thins instead.
Mom: Do you want some butter?
Me:...pardon? Why would I want butter?
Mom: I don't know. But we have extra that I won't use.
Me: You live 40 minutes away from me. Buying butter would be cheaper than the gas to get there and back.
Mom: So do you want the butter? We have extra butter.